Introduction
If you must know, I’m a 22 year old female artist from Seattle.
I know who I am, but it cannot be described. I can tell you my stories, my thoughts, my plans, and my hobbies… But those are merely finite categories of which our social lenses have been trained to identify. To simply be, is best in my opinion.
There are numerous ways to describe a book, but it must first be read to be understood. My pages have scribbles, colors, illustrations, and plenty of text too faded to read. Some are ripped out. I’m bookmarking myself somewhat anonymously - I need a place to be honest, where I don’t have to worry about family and friends viewing my writings.
My back-story thus far is inconceivable to most. I have been horribly abused to the point of torture by an ex boyfriend and was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I grew up with a mentally ill, untreated mother, and have been raped by two different men. You’d think I’m some sort of stupid party girl, but on the contrary I was sheltered and overprotected. Part of the experience was simple naivety and believing the best in the wrong type of people. It is a long and complicated story, but I’ve grown so much stronger and learned how to listen to my intuition.
People I meet have no idea who I am or what I’ve been through - most of my friends don’t know. They think I grew up like everyone else, and upon first impression everyone thinks I’m totally sweet and innocent. I don’t lie or make up stories. It’s just what people assume… And I think that is great, because I don’t want my ugly past to affect me to the point where people see it on my face every day. My past is not who I am.
However, dealing with it is an every day struggle on the inside. Resentment, guilt, anger… They are all there like dry rot in a support beam. It festers and is buried too deep in a place I cannot remove. I think it will always be a stain in the back of my mind. I’ve had a brief encounter with a couple of therapists, and should continue therapy. In the meantime, it is too expensive without health insurance. I find it terribly ironic that therapy costs so much money.
This is a place I can keep myself posted on what needs to be done next. What I learn and the beautiful things life has to offer, I like to share. I don’t care if one or a million people read this. It just needs to be put out there. Enjoy :)
